Normal

So, I cleaned up my room! I cleaned out my closet and gave away all the clothes that have needed to leave my life now for so long. Everything seems so organized now! I'm back in school and i have a job but for some reason I still just don't feel assured about much at all.

I don't feel like I have cleaned up my life. It seems to me that although I have made my appearance seem physically more put together, my brain remains scattered and confused on what it is I want to do with my self and life. I'm so frustrated and annoyed by everyday occurrences, I wonder ever too often when will they become extinct, these everyday repetitive things. How is one to make their life at all exciting, when every day is the same old thing? How is a person like me who loves the adventure of new and spontaneous, who loves the random and out there, supposed to adapt to the ordinary... the same... the boring... the usual... and the nothing has and ever will change?

I feel like im trapped and I feel like, in so many ways, it's killing my spirit and taking with it my self esteem. I dont feel like my self and rarely am I ever genuinely happy.

At this point in my life I find myself struggling with the question of what I want to spend the next sixty or seventy years of my life doing. I cant seem to find one thing on this earth I love that much. The things I do in fact love seem so out of reach! And for some reason I just don't have the drive and determination to go after them. I mean, I guess that's my fault right? Maybe that means I don't deserve it, maybe because im just so unfocused and so unrealistic about things I just deserve to remain this way. This feels so unfair, because what ever it is that makes me this way, I didn't choose for it to choose me.

I just want to be normal and want normal things and live a normal life and just take normal everyday situations the way they are supposed to be taken. Normal!