Normal

So, I cleaned up my room! I cleaned out my closet and gave away all the clothes that have needed to leave my life now for so long. Everything seems so organized now! I'm back in school and i have a job but for some reason I still just don't feel assured about much at all.

I don't feel like I have cleaned up my life. It seems to me that although I have made my appearance seem physically more put together, my brain remains scattered and confused on what it is I want to do with my self and life. I'm so frustrated and annoyed by everyday occurrences, I wonder ever too often when will they become extinct, these everyday repetitive things. How is one to make their life at all exciting, when every day is the same old thing? How is a person like me who loves the adventure of new and spontaneous, who loves the random and out there, supposed to adapt to the ordinary... the same... the boring... the usual... and the nothing has and ever will change?

I feel like im trapped and I feel like, in so many ways, it's killing my spirit and taking with it my self esteem. I dont feel like my self and rarely am I ever genuinely happy.

At this point in my life I find myself struggling with the question of what I want to spend the next sixty or seventy years of my life doing. I cant seem to find one thing on this earth I love that much. The things I do in fact love seem so out of reach! And for some reason I just don't have the drive and determination to go after them. I mean, I guess that's my fault right? Maybe that means I don't deserve it, maybe because im just so unfocused and so unrealistic about things I just deserve to remain this way. This feels so unfair, because what ever it is that makes me this way, I didn't choose for it to choose me.

I just want to be normal and want normal things and live a normal life and just take normal everyday situations the way they are supposed to be taken. Normal!

A Problem with loving myself

Okay, so i guess this blog isn't gonna be all poetic and nonsensical. the truth is, i have a problem with loving myself. When i look in the mirror at myself, all i see is everything i wish could be different about me, like how i hate the size of my nose, or how i wish these stupid acne bumps would just leave me the fuck alone! i look into my eyes and i see dark circles from not caring enough to get enough sleep. When i get ready to go somewhere, most of the time i just throw on anything, because i really just don't feel like getting ready, i don't feel like making myself look good, or feel good. I envy the girls who effortlessly live to care for themselves, the ones who always remember to put on their perfume and make sure that their hair always looks nice. I envy the girls who seem to have an endless amount of cute cloths in their closet for every day of the year. i envy those who routinely get their nails and feet done, or the ones who make it their business to get a massage every other tuesday afternoon with the girls. I wish i could be like that. but my problem is i have no love for myself. I want soo bad to pamper myself and give myself nice things. I want soo badly to wake up and feel beautiful and feel energized and ready for the day. I hate being stressed all the time, and always having a million things to get done, but not ever doing any of it. I want so badly to be more responsible, and organized. i looove all my friends but i barley spend time with any of them, because im always soo wrapped up in my unorganized life. I just want to feel like im on top of things, and i want to feel beautiful, i want to be relaxed and stress free. I really want the best for myself, but some how ive seemed to have dug up a hole around me, that im trying so hard to get out of. I really just want to let go of the negative influences in my life and be one with God and in-sync with Anita. Its so hard, and thats something i dont think anyone will understand. When you really want to love yourself, where do you start? when you really want to be some one what do you do? I just want to love me, i want to pamper me and give me good things, i want to bathe me in beautiful oils, and sit in the tub and relax with jill scott on and incense buring. I want to read, something i loove to do, but never have time to do anymore. I want to go to sleep and wake up refreshed something i cant do because my job prevents me from it ( seeing that i have to be there at 5 am every morning pretty much ). It seems to me that i have so many problems, and the biggest one is that every so often i go through this phase right here, where i, on certain days, want to do good by me, but for some reason i can never stay motivated long enough to really go through with it. Well im going to make a promise to me and God and the world right now, because i really want to make a change, i want to make a more relaxed, more soulful, more beautiful and carefree Anita, starting today. So i made a goal for myself today, and it is to clean the clutter from out of my life, lol starting with my closet, i have cloths in there that i've had since i was 7 and still haven't let go of yet. wish me luck... and motivation because im really gonna need it. ( ill update you tomorrow on my progress)

Reflecting upon Reflection

Gracefully i stare, reflecting upon the reflection that stares back at me staring back at it, staring back and forth we stare reflecting.
What reflects back to me when relfecting upon reflection is the mistakes that shaped the reflection i see..
I, a shapeless being, stand reflecting upon a being shaped by mistakes made..
So i guess that makes my shaplessness a shape less, because of the mistakes that have shaplessly shaped it.