Normal

So, I cleaned up my room! I cleaned out my closet and gave away all the clothes that have needed to leave my life now for so long. Everything seems so organized now! I'm back in school and i have a job but for some reason I still just don't feel assured about much at all.

I don't feel like I have cleaned up my life. It seems to me that although I have made my appearance seem physically more put together, my brain remains scattered and confused on what it is I want to do with my self and life. I'm so frustrated and annoyed by everyday occurrences, I wonder ever too often when will they become extinct, these everyday repetitive things. How is one to make their life at all exciting, when every day is the same old thing? How is a person like me who loves the adventure of new and spontaneous, who loves the random and out there, supposed to adapt to the ordinary... the same... the boring... the usual... and the nothing has and ever will change?

I feel like im trapped and I feel like, in so many ways, it's killing my spirit and taking with it my self esteem. I dont feel like my self and rarely am I ever genuinely happy.

At this point in my life I find myself struggling with the question of what I want to spend the next sixty or seventy years of my life doing. I cant seem to find one thing on this earth I love that much. The things I do in fact love seem so out of reach! And for some reason I just don't have the drive and determination to go after them. I mean, I guess that's my fault right? Maybe that means I don't deserve it, maybe because im just so unfocused and so unrealistic about things I just deserve to remain this way. This feels so unfair, because what ever it is that makes me this way, I didn't choose for it to choose me.

I just want to be normal and want normal things and live a normal life and just take normal everyday situations the way they are supposed to be taken. Normal!

A Problem with loving myself

Okay, so i guess this blog isn't gonna be all poetic and nonsensical. the truth is, i have a problem with loving myself. When i look in the mirror at myself, all i see is everything i wish could be different about me, like how i hate the size of my nose, or how i wish these stupid acne bumps would just leave me the fuck alone! i look into my eyes and i see dark circles from not caring enough to get enough sleep. When i get ready to go somewhere, most of the time i just throw on anything, because i really just don't feel like getting ready, i don't feel like making myself look good, or feel good. I envy the girls who effortlessly live to care for themselves, the ones who always remember to put on their perfume and make sure that their hair always looks nice. I envy the girls who seem to have an endless amount of cute cloths in their closet for every day of the year. i envy those who routinely get their nails and feet done, or the ones who make it their business to get a massage every other tuesday afternoon with the girls. I wish i could be like that. but my problem is i have no love for myself. I want soo bad to pamper myself and give myself nice things. I want soo badly to wake up and feel beautiful and feel energized and ready for the day. I hate being stressed all the time, and always having a million things to get done, but not ever doing any of it. I want so badly to be more responsible, and organized. i looove all my friends but i barley spend time with any of them, because im always soo wrapped up in my unorganized life. I just want to feel like im on top of things, and i want to feel beautiful, i want to be relaxed and stress free. I really want the best for myself, but some how ive seemed to have dug up a hole around me, that im trying so hard to get out of. I really just want to let go of the negative influences in my life and be one with God and in-sync with Anita. Its so hard, and thats something i dont think anyone will understand. When you really want to love yourself, where do you start? when you really want to be some one what do you do? I just want to love me, i want to pamper me and give me good things, i want to bathe me in beautiful oils, and sit in the tub and relax with jill scott on and incense buring. I want to read, something i loove to do, but never have time to do anymore. I want to go to sleep and wake up refreshed something i cant do because my job prevents me from it ( seeing that i have to be there at 5 am every morning pretty much ). It seems to me that i have so many problems, and the biggest one is that every so often i go through this phase right here, where i, on certain days, want to do good by me, but for some reason i can never stay motivated long enough to really go through with it. Well im going to make a promise to me and God and the world right now, because i really want to make a change, i want to make a more relaxed, more soulful, more beautiful and carefree Anita, starting today. So i made a goal for myself today, and it is to clean the clutter from out of my life, lol starting with my closet, i have cloths in there that i've had since i was 7 and still haven't let go of yet. wish me luck... and motivation because im really gonna need it. ( ill update you tomorrow on my progress)

Reflecting upon Reflection

Gracefully i stare, reflecting upon the reflection that stares back at me staring back at it, staring back and forth we stare reflecting.
What reflects back to me when relfecting upon reflection is the mistakes that shaped the reflection i see..
I, a shapeless being, stand reflecting upon a being shaped by mistakes made..
So i guess that makes my shaplessness a shape less, because of the mistakes that have shaplessly shaped it.

The Mathematics

In the mathematics of it all
its never really time to understand, that which we just don't
only when faced with adversity do we realize that 1+1 will always just equal 2
and somewhere in that equation, a 1 will be you
its simple really
but we'd rather make it difficult
adding negatives and decimals, to make our own equation
as if the plain old simple truth is wrong
as if somehow it can be changed
but in the end, you will still just be 1
and 2 will always just be the number you thrive for....

In a very rare occasion we each will become a 2
with another 1
maybe not as tall, or not as bright
maybe 1 with the top curved over
or a 1 who stands up straight
maybe a 1, who is incomplete
but somehow you'll fit,
like a puzzle piece
and realize you are now a 2
when you become that 2 both of you 1's will form and mold to be the perfect shape
maybe you will lay and surrender, become the foundation (_)
maybe you will be what holds you both together, the one who carries the burdens,
or you'll be the one who rides freely on the top..... dancing
which ever 1 you are..
to become just a 1 again will be your biggest fear..
for then.. you'd only be considered a half..
because, you see, a 2 is a single number not 2 ones
in all great equations those two ones, must become one 2
you'd then be missing your other half and become a fragment, or decimal

life is the journey of ones, who seek to become a two
the journey of sacrifices and love
maybe even broken hearts
but then mended ones
life is the unsolved equation that some how we are all apart of...
and somehow all the negatives and positives
halves and wholes
have a place somewhere...
somewhere in your destiny

Salvaged Goods

I lay here now, in my bed, thinking. Not quite sure whats on my mind, but then again I'm never sure about that. My mind confuses me, my thoughts drift like the oceans waves visible only for a split seconds glimpse.

What does it mean to call your self a writer but yet never have anything to write? Maybe, then I'm just not a writer, but simply a girl confused about her destiny. Then i must ask myself what exactly is my destiny? or destiny in general? sometimes i feel like I'm just here in this world wasting air, and taking up space. I make no contributions to the world, i have saved no lives, i have done nothing, but yet and still i remain. So i guess my destiny is to be here, maybe my destiny is to just, be here.. kind of like the wind, its just here, blowing invisible dreams, thrown across the world, gathering dirt and dead leaves, empty.

Maybe I'm just empty. the problem with that is i don't feel empty, but cluttered. Cluttered with shit from years ago, broken dreams and bits and pieces of my heart, here and there. my thoughts float around like the air gathering dirt, and dead leaves i don't even have use for but still seem to be attached to. I'm a cluttered soul, chaotic in a sense. but unwavering, persistent to stay in my current state of mind. Maybe because i just feel more comfortable this way. I somehow feel more secure when I'm surrounded by a load of junk. it keeps me safe in a way. It keeps my life intact. I'm held together by a decades worth of upsets, and let downs, arguments and fights negative feelings and emotions that i should have set free years ago, but still hold on to , as if they are precious, because somehow, they are all that i feel comfort in.

Somehow, they are all that makes everything feel right. but that's wrong, because they are wrong. they are always what makes things wrong. they are the reason my life feels so wrong. but i cant let them go, I'm like the bag lady in Erika Badu's song. I wont blame my condition on a boy like most people or girls do, because it has never been a boy. in fact i don't know what its ever been, its always just been. like i was born a shattered human being... salvaged goods.